The Adventures of a Bloody Unicorn Named Bill
by theShinyBarricade
Summary: A Bloody Unicorn named Bill goes swimming in Toxic Waste and is greeted by everyone's favorite Graverobber. I don't know either. Graverobber is very OOC, takes place in total crack setting. Rated for language and suchlike.


**AN: Blame it on my twisted sense of humour. But before you pin me as a nutcase and drag me off to the asylum, I would like to add that this was also helped by my friend who, to my knowledge, is actually mentally sound and also doesn't have a fanfiction/fictionpress account that I know of. And if you're wondering, Why Bloody Unicorns?, it's because they're my official mascot. Even though it's a recommended Team Repoman mascot and I'm Team Marni. So welcome to the madness of my brain.  
>R&amp;R, por favor! Oh, and by "Non-believer", that's meaning those who don't believe in the Power of Imaginary Bloody Unicorns who are assisted by Friendly Neighborhood Graverobbers. Don't own Repo. Do own Bill :)<strong>

**Yep.**

1

Once upon a time, there was a Magical Unicorn named Bill. Bill was your normal unicorn; he had four legs, four hooves, a rainbow mane and tail, and a sparkley horn. Except...his horn was covered in blood.

No one knew where the blood had come from. Some suspected it was due to his relations to Carl the Llama. Others thought it was because Bill was Emo and cut himself with it. But no one knew for sure, and even Bill didn't know where it came from.

So one day, Bill's walking through the Rainbow Pony forrest and stumbles upon a stream. Quite literally. He was just walking, whistling and trying to keep the blood from dripping into his eyes, and then suddenly, _WHAM!_ His sparkly hooves stop him just before he falls into the yellow bubbling stream. Actually, the stream bears a remarkable resemblance to Mountain Dew. So Bill lowers his sparkley-rainbowy-bloody head above the stream trying to get a sip of the highly-sugared drink, when he realises that there's something rather...strange in the water. So Bill, in all his Bloody Unicorn glory, puts his fuzzy nose even closer to the Stream o'Dew to try and see what it is. He is greeted by a lone tuna fish, who is actually rather cute and Manga-ish.

"Aw, hi little fella!" Bill says, trying to make friends with the Manga Tuna. The Manga Tuna points his huge eyes up at Bill, and opens his mouth to reveal long, pointy teeth.

"WTF!" Bill screams, scrambling up from the Stream o'Dew in an attempt to get to dry land. However, the Manga-Killer-Tuna morphs into a Mermaid-Werewolf, and follows Bill onto the dry land.

"Me...Want...BLOOD!" The Mermaid-Werewolf screams as it drags its scaly tail and hairy upper body out of the water. "Me...Want...UNICORN BLOOD!" Now foam's coming out of it's gray muzzle, and Bill suddenly finds himself backed up against one of the Cloud Trees of the Rainbow Pony forrest.

"Uni...Unicorn Blood?" Bill asks, trying to buy himself time. "I...I'm not a Unicorn. I'm a llama with a birth defect." He knows how phony it sounds, but he's pretty sure that Mermaid-Werewolves don't have the highest IQ of the Rainbow Pony forrest.

"Huh?" the Mermaid-Werewolf asks, stretching out it's hairy arms to feel Bill's horn. "But...you have sparkles and everything..."

"Well," Bill says, "My mother took Prozac while she was pregnant with me. I'm pretty sure she drank too." Now the MW is licking the blood from Bill's horn off of it's hands, and Bill realises his mistake.

"You lie to me. You make Pidge mad. Now Pidge eat you!" Bill's first thought is, _Who the hell names their kid Pidge?_ His second thought is, _How the fuck do I get out of this one?_

"Um.._OMG IT'S JUSTIN BEIBER!" _Bill yells, pointing his horn in the opposite direction.

"Pidge no like Justin Beiber."

"Oh...and did I mention that he's being lynched by an angry mob?"

"WHERE?" The MW turns around suddenly, looking off into the distance. Bill takes the oppurtunity and runs...straight into the Stream o'Dew. It doesn't take long, however, for him to realise what he thought was Mountain Dew...is actually Nuclear Waste.

"WTF!" Bill screams again, and turns around to see the MW-Pidge-following him, tail, teeth and all. And then Bill realises that his legs feel funny...and he can't feel his tail...

2

Bill woke up on an island made of dead bodies. _What the hell.._

_._He gets up and realises two things. 1-He's still alive, and 2-He is now a Magical Bloody Faery Princess. Oh joy. Even after a swim in Nuclear Waste, his-her-forehead is still randomly bleeding from nowhere. _Maybe my mother really did take Prozac..._

And then, after composing his-her-self and drinking from the Stream of Nuclear Waste (Really, kid?), he-she-decides to figure out what the hell happened.

_So I was walking through the Rainbow Pony forrest, found a stream of Mountain Dew that was really Nuclear Waste, got chased by a Mermaid-Werewolf named Pidge, and turned into a Fairy Princess on an island made of dead people. There has to be a logical explanation for this _(Because Bloody Unicorns always have to find a logical explanation). So after many seconds of thinking, our friend Bill came up with only one conclusion-_Amber must've slipped something into my feed. I thought it was more glow-y than usual._...But what could this mysterious Amber have slipped into the feed of a Bloody Rainbow Unicorn? Surely there must be something, some sort of drug or chemical...Just as Bill was about to reach a conclusion, a mysterious paddled up to the island of dead bodies.

"It's the twenty-first...century...CURE!" he sings to himself as he paddles up to the island and pulls the Nuclear-Waste-Proof Kayak ($99.01 at your local Walmart) onto the island. He looks up and sees Bill for the first time, and is startled.

"WTF is a Fairy Princess doing here?" he asks, pulling a needle out of his front pocket. So that's what was in there...

"I'm not a Fairy Princess," Bill says defensively. "I happen to be a Magical Bloody Unicorn who was either drugged or swam in a stream of Nuclear Waste. I'm not really sure which." The man looks at the needle in his hand and says, "Man, I think I accidentally gave myself a hit..."

_WTF?_ Bill asks himself. "A hit of what?," he asks the strange man with the needle and long hair.

"You haven't heard of Zydrate?"

"Zydrate? Sounds like some sort of birth control."

"It's the 21st Century Cure, man. It's like...it's like the lovechild of Ecstacy and Marijuana."

"Then remind me to stay away from it. And what's your name, anyway?"

"Graverobber."

"No, your real name." Bill was beginning to lose his patience. Noticing Bill's anger, the "Graverobber" answered,

"Well, I won't tell you if you don't tell me your name first." Thinking it was a fair enough deal, the Unicorn-turned-Fairy-Princess answered,

"Bill."

Graverobber looked at Bill's new tutu, glittery wings and tiara, and answered,

"Who the hell names a girl Bill?" Getting even more impatient, Bill answered,

"Unicorn turned Fairy. Remember the first chapter?"

"Oh, yeah. Hey, have you seen an 'Amber Sweet' lately? She needs to pay for her last hit." _Amber...like the one who may or may not have slipped something into my feed?_

"Maybe." Bill was using his 'Mysterious and Sexy' voice. "But tell me your name first."

"Right. Well, I'm Paul." Bill looked over the man's worn out clothes, Goth-or was it Emo?-makeup, and rainbow hair. _Rainbow hair! Maybe he's related to a Magical Rainbow Unicorn and can get me back to the Rainbow Pony forrest!_

"Hey, um...Paul?" Bill asked nervously. The man flinched a little at the name.

"Actually, I'm only comfortable with two people calling me Paul; me and Sh-none of your business. Just call me Graverobber, please. And you were going to tell me about Amber?" _Oh, right. The bitch who may or may not have drugged me._

"Well, I think I know where she is...and do you happen to be related to a Magical Rainbow Unicorn?" Paul-Graverobber-nearly strangled Bill with his rage.

"WHAT...THE HELL...MAKES YOU THINK...I'M A FUCKING...PONY!" He yelled at Bill. Bill choked barely choked out his next words.

"It...was...mostly...the..." But Paul/Graverobber never heard what made Bill think he was a unicorn, because that's when his anger finally killed Bill.

After realising that the Fairy Princess no longer had a pulse, Graverobber walked up Bill and shoved a needle up his nostril.

"That'll show you to call someone a PONY!" he yelled to no one in particular. He took his needle and shoved it up the nostrils of every dead body that made up the island, and soon he had over nine thousand bottles collected.

Paul/Graverobber piled up all of the vials in his little Kayak and took off in the direction of Sanitarium Island. However, his Kayak was so loaded down with Zydrate vials that it sank about five feet from the shore. To this day no one knows what became of him, though some say to go to a Magical Fairy Unicorn named Paul if you ever want a hit of Z.

THE END

**My first attempt at a crackfic. I know it sucks. But no one said you had to read it all the way to the end now, did they? :P Just kidding. Thank you for reading! Though I wasn't kidding about the "first crackfic" or the fact-that-it-sucks part. **


End file.
